The Persistence of Memory

The rain – it was raining as I drove home last night. Started when I got in the car and then stopped when I was almost at my house. It was the most extraordinary thing. The smell was so powerful, it was like every moment of my life, every feeling I had in the rain was right on top of me. Biking home from working in a kitchen, the rain like a shower. Walking home in the rain, upset about a relationship. Driving somewhere listening to Joshua Tree, With or Without You. Time was suspended and I was feeling everything at once. I felt nostalgic for things that happened and for things that didn’t happen. I felt nostalgic for things that haven’t happened yet. I wondered if I was having a stroke. But the good kind, if there is such a thing. The transcendent moment people have before something terrible happens. It’s been kind of a long few months.

So after the surgery and recovery, which after a very smooth initial phase was a bit rocky for a week or two, life was normal for a time, though I think my head was in the sand a bit. Probably like everyone’s head was in the sand for a bit at the end there, the last throes of winter. And that spell was broken last night in the rain.

Our cat died Thursday morning next to me in bed – I woke up to his last exhale, his body limp. I shook him a bit, said his name. I didn’t know what to do and knew enough to do nothing. His eyes were open, but ‘unseeing,’ like they say. Then he was still. Then he peed, or let go I guess would be more accurate. I moved him off the bed in a towel I grabbed. He was so heavy. I had planned to go to St John’s for the weekend, leaving on Wednesday, but I decided to stay back an extra day, in part because of the snow-storm. C is in Houston for the weekend and was gone. After making arrangements at the vet, I drove up to St John’s. It was good to be up there, both to be away from the house and to be in such an austere environment. I was struck by how empty the house was when I got home from leaving him at the vet. I had never experienced loss like that. It made me think about ghosts.

It has been a while since I wrote last, but it hasn’t felt like much time has passed. I kind of drifted off for a while, less aware of things. I think C and I both might have drifted off. I’ve spent most of my time passively accommodating the world, though without being very good about holding social time or returning phone calls. I was affected by the surgery and subsequent news about the cancers, however contained, in ways that haven’t made sense to me. I continued on, much as I have, but I also drifted off. I don’t always feel things right away, and sometimes my life make sense to me only when it’s too late to do much about it. Maybe that’s part of the overwhelming nostalgia I felt driving home in the rain, that part of me still feels like a spectator to my life. I’m sure it’s part of a healthy detachment when the going gets rough, to keep functioning day to day. Honestly I’ve not thought about it like this until I sat down to write it.

I’ve always been slow to become excited, to anticipate exciting events. But this spring I’ve almost stopped thinking ahead; I’ve felt wistful about the future like it has already passed me by. But that’s silly, or at least a temporary state, and the rain seemed to wake me out of it.

I’m between surgeries at the moment, between taking out the left and right kidneys. While now isn’t exactly in the middle, I do feel like the past one has just faded while the next one is just coming into view. I’ve said many times and believe that the surgery was much much less painful and less uncomfortable than I was lead to believe. It was tough to be housebound in the heart of a dreadful winter, but it was a relaxing time overall. I returned to work two weeks after surgery, which was my goal and a full week before I was told to go back. It was, in hindsight, a bit overeager, but nothing serious. I was mostly getting restless sitting around my house.

Since then C and I have mostly laid pretty low, the biggest health news is that I’ve been making weekly treks to the dermatologist to get hundreds of little warts zapped off my back – that’s been a bit rough. Otherwise we’ve been working, eating and playing a lot of Mario brothers. Today it’ll be a mix of paper writing and yard work – it’s basically a perfect day outside. Thanks for reading!