So I’ve been on dialysis for a little over a month. It’s
been pretty smooth, about what I expected. Since I wrote last they switched
from my shoulder catheter to my arm graft, which has healed pretty well. It
looked kind of brutal for a while. I have pictures. J
I’d like to take some space here to share how this has been
a particularly hard spring, and to try to articulate how dialysis, which is
pretty much just sitting in a chair for about 4 hours, can be hard.
They (at dialysis) started using the graft in my arm mid
June, and everything went very smoothly. They use 15
gauge needles, which aren’t the smallest needles (I think the needles they use
for blood donation are 18 gauge?). But the sticks aren’t too terrible, and
using the graft meant I could have the should catheter removed and could
finally take showers. Lovely lovely showers. Like so many other things, showers
are best appreciated in their absence. I have such a clear memory of returning
from traveling in countries like Morocco, Egypt, Jordan, India and being able
to drink tap water, have hot showers, I was so grateful for having running
water of any kind. Not something I would think to appreciate, but like a clear
nose after a cold, being able to shower after three weeks of half baths was
marvelous. Pulling the Hickman wasn’t bad at all, though I was plenty worried
about it. You’ll notice a small red band on the catheter, that’s a cuff to
which my body attaches to hold it in place. That was the only sticky part, a
slight tug and it was out. Door to door it was about 15 minutes. The other day
I got the insurance statement, which noted a charge of 1990.00 for outpatient
surgery. Wow.
You can see the outline of the graft, which makes a loop connecting an artery with a vein. |
This is what it looks like today. You can see the needle marks from the top side, and half of the outline. And the incision mark on my tattoo! |
This is what it looked like - the catheter went over my clavicle and was a bit sore while it was in. At first I could feel the tube in my chest which was not cool. |
The Hickman in all its glory. |
It was pretty hectic after MITY – C was out of town, I
picked up a dog (as a never-owned-a-dog-person), got a piano and had part of
the kitchen redone. Very exciting times. After the dust settled, it was July,
and I started to come down from the shit show times. While I believe I have
weathered these past few weeks like a leaf on the wind, I am finding that I
have been uncentered a bit. This has passed somewhat, but particularly by the
end MITY late June, I wasn’t sure where my center of gravity was. I had a hard
time making decisions and wanting things, or know what wanting things meant. I would
sit on the couch and feel unsettled, paralyzed, not really wanting to sit there
but not able to come up with anything else. I found myself just wanting to
watch TV shows, though again wanting isn’t really the right word. I
would say things that weren’t true, which I would call “jokes.” It felt like
someone else talking. Sometimes I would feel cornered, and realize I was kind
of panicked, flailing around at nothing. I was more just a body, ungoverned,
lurching from thing to thing without enough consideration. I was a bit dead
inside, which was and has been a useful defense for me when life gets crazy.
When I was last on dialysis (which I did at home at night, but still), I played
Civilization III and ate chocolate chips on the couch at my parent’s house. I
have no idea how much, but a lot. So many chocolate chips – sometimes a bag
a day.
This early summer, coming out of that late spring malaise,
dialysis was at times boring, easy, and quite difficult. Because my blood is
going through a machine, my body responds to the loss of volume by increasing
my blood pressure (this is a cool, useful thing is one’s hand is bitten off by
a saber tooth tiger). But mine would spike around 180/110, which is way too
high. It’s getting better, but that kind of thin wears a person out. I would
walk out of the clinic kind of dazed sometimes, too hungry, and physically off.
Other times are just fine. But it is an obligation I would rather not keep, and
like other such obligations, this one wears a bit over time.
Otherwise it’s been a relatively normal summer. MITY went
well, it’s such a treat to teach such great kids with such a great co-teacher. C
and I got a puppy – a really sweet lab / pit bull mix we named Oscar. He is
currently napping beside me on the couch. I enjoyed a number of world cup
games, which were pretty spectacular, I was able to spend a week at Lake
Melissa with my family, a summer tradition going back to before I was born,
I’ve enjoyed lunch with teacher friends who also have the summers off, and
recently got back on the bike again, all of which has been great. Like most
summers, it took me a while (until this week) to get productive but I’m not
gonna beat myself up about that. Also, I’m starting to think about teaching in
the fall – I’ve got some ideas, which means I am pretty well rested and getting
ready to go. I’m looking forward to more biking (anyone interested in easy,
re-hab style biking?), reading and hanging out with Oscar, who is just
interested in being loved and smelling interesting smells. I wish you lots of
love. Keep smelling interesting smells. Thanks for reading!
Thank you for enduring the medical photos. This is my niece, Miri, playing with Oscar at the lake. |
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