I Finally Felt The Thing Everyone Says And It Didn’t Feel Good

I should start with this – never, that I can remember, have I been bitter, resentful or angry about any of the health crises that I have experienced (I wrote ‘that have happened to me, but that didn’t feel right). I have gone so far as to say that I would rather this or that thing not have happened, kind of in the same way I might say that I’d rather it not be raining. My kidney failure and subsequent adventures have not felt more or less than the trials that everyone experiences at some point in their lives. I believe that we are all tested and prodded by life in uncomfortable and unpredictable ways.

I’m not claiming any kind of hero status (see previous post). There are moments for me that are more difficult than others, and times when I recognize that the specific moments of my life are fairly unique to me, and that I am afforded a certain deference for my body. That being said, I have yet to meet someone with whom I would trade maladies.

In my life I have heard from people, almost from day one of the kidney times, that I’m too young for this to happen to me. That is it unfair that I have to face this, that I don’t deserve this. I understand that saying ‘you’re too young’ is a form of sympathy. It can be a way of people saying I’m sorry that this happened to you. At the same time it feels as though these expressions are appealing to a greater order in the world. In the movie ‘50/50’ (which is fabulous), Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character is diagnosed with cancer. He is shocked, claiming his healthy lifestyle - ‘I don’t smoke, I exercise, I eat well … I recycle …’  It was a pointed joke - as though we can somehow inoculate ourselves against these random and painful crises.  

As you know the past few months have been a difficult time for me, health-wise. This week I’m trying to schedule the surgery to have one of my native kidneys taken out. I’m trying to miss the least amount of class time at school, and to have it as soon as possible. The mass in the kidney is likely renal cell carcinoma, which is a particularly nasty cancer. It is well contained, but still – it feels like I have a time bomb in my back. One doctor is saying to wait three months because of the blood clot, and that the clot is already resolved. I’m trying to have it a bit sooner – two or two and a half months. Scheduling this is a headache. [UPDATE: As of yesterday the surgery is scheduled for January 22^nd! Which is good – get it over with.]

Yesterday, carrying these decisions and stress, for the very first time, I entertained the thought that maybe I AM too young for all this to have happened. That I deserve a life without the constant overhanging stress of when I will be in the hospital next, or when I will need to deal with another unforeseen side-effect. Why did this have to happen to me?

These thoughts were immediately followed by the humility they call for – what do I ‘deserve’ from life? What does life owe me? Is there a contract somewhere that promises a smooth ride, with a few bumps when we are seasoned enough to weather them? This is clearly not how life works. Worse – as I thought about the phantom life I could be leading, my feelings were not hopeful or energized. I felt bitter and angry, resentful of the people around me who supposedly lead ‘easier’ lives. That’s not me. I am not those feelings.

I am not owed anything from the world – there’s no contract, no guarantee.  Tragedy does not live elsewhere, where it is distant and tolerated and accepted as a balance for the cosmos. I am not too young for the unique experiences of my life.

I don’t believe that any of us are protected by anything at all – that we are all an accident or circumstance away from crisis, and this is invigorating for me (perhaps because I have been through it). This makes the highs a bit higher and the lows a bit lower. It helps me to pause and enjoy the world around me. I don’t want to live in a world with bumpers. The fragility of life makes it precious. 

Thanks for reading!