Identity and Time

I’ve noticed that my memory is divided into epochs divided by the significant changes in my life.  I first noticed this in college, when I had much more clear memories of my junior and senior years of school then my freshman and sophomore years. I realized that between my 10^th and 11^th grades I shifted as a person – becoming more confident and self-aware. The ‘me’ who was looking at the world was different, so the memories of the new me were much more ready-to-hand than the memories of the older me. I believe my life shifted again in my mid-twenties as a response to my kidney failure, and again when I fell in love with and made a life with C (where I’m writing from now). If I assume an infant/child stage, I am currently on my 5^th self, living my 5^th life.

Today I made the delightful discovery that I’m not the only person who sees things this way. My new favorite website, www.brainpickings.org, featured an article on a new book by Claudia Hammond called ‘Time Warped: Unlocking the Mysteries of Time Perception.” The article, by Maria Popova, explains the idea of a ‘reminiscence bump:’

Most fascinating of all, however, is the reason the “reminiscence bump” happens in the first place: Hammond argues that because memory and identity are so closely intertwined, it is in those formative years, when we’re constructing our identity and finding our place in the world, that our memory latches onto particularly vivid details in order to use them later in reinforcing that identity. Interestingly, Hammond points out, people who undergo a major transformation of identity later in life — say, changing careers or coming out — tend to experience a second identity bump, which helps them reconcile and consolidate their new identity.

This certainly feels like how I have experienced time and identity, though elocuted more impressively.

I expect (and hope I think) to have a few more of these epochs in my life. I expect they will coincide with the big moments of parenting, maybe retirement, deaths births etc. In the mean time, my life seems to be primarily punctuated with surgeries and hospital stays. It’s telling that the surgeries unto themselves do not constitute major life events. My surgery next week, for example, will likely, hopefully, not stand as a milestone. I have been eager to have that kidney out, and when I found I had to have it out the date felt far far away (two months, ha). As the time neared my eagerness turned to anticipation and then to some apprehension as it became more real. Suddenly the surgery is next week (suddenly, ha).

I’m not nervous and anything going wrong. I am nervous about what they will find (still hoping, in spite of my better reckoning of hope), and a bit nervous about what it will feel like. I find that what I choose to share with people reveals how I actually feel about it, and I’ve been talking about the pain. The recovery is supposed to be quite painful, and for a while I was curious as to what ‘quite painful’ would be like. I’ve experienced lots of things, though my surgeries were never very painful (I never took pain killers, for example). I know well what it is like to be physically uncomfortable and I expect the pain to be something like that. I can accommodate some pain; discomfort must be endured.

I think I’ll save further reflections on the surgery for another entry. Thanks for reading!