Nerves

Alright. Started feeling nervous last night. I made the considerable mistake of doing some online investigation into so-called radical nephrectomies, where the surgery is open and through the side rather than laparoscopic. There are videos for the strong stomached on youtube. It wasn’t anything surprising, though it was tough to imagine my diaphragm being sewn up. I also looked around a bit about the recovery. Granted, part of my theory is that my experience won’t be as painful or long as the average patient, given my age and status as patient wonderkind. Yet my faith was shaken when reading about people needing a nurse’s help out of bed, or even to roll over in the bed. Yikes!  Average recovery sounds like 4 weeks. I’m hoping for 2 ½ to 3. Today I've been breathing deep and marveling at my previous attitude. We’ll see!

I’m also nervous about learning what has been growing in there. It was almost easier to believe that it WAS cancer, 98% chance. The second urologist (my first one died unexpectedly before Christmas) said the chances were closer to 50-50. Good news right? Now, not knowing which way it will go, I am as nervous about learning that as I have become about the surgery itself. By disposition I don’t anticipate much in the future good or bad until it is upon me, but I do struggle with hoping against fear. I’d rather know and not need to do either.

There’s the added bonus that they might be able to determine what caused the original failure, though no one has mentioned that, so maybe it isn’t a bonus after all. When they biopsied my native kidney in 2001, they found only scar tissue and couldn’t figure out what had happened with such a small sample. With the whole kidney maybe they can answer how this all started. This is another question I was not at all concerned about until they might be able to answer it.

I knew all of these things last week and actually felt good about going into the surgery – a new experience, some down time. That was a little naïve, though it was what I felt. Somewhere between there and here is a balance. Or maybe living in the naïve was better – at least naïve about what a painful recovery means. So it goes. In the balance – ready for the surgery, a bit nervous about what I will feel like on Thursday.

Lots and lots of well-wishes and generous offers from students family and friends. It is unusual to have this much attention going into the hospital. Typically I'm out and healthy again before most people know anything happened. Hearing from so many has helped me feel the hopes and fears much more profoundly. My typical MO is to barrel through health crises head down. This has been a much more reflective process and I am better for it - I mean that. Thank you. 

Like the rest of this journey, I am not going it alone.  Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Thanks especially to my lovely partner for her patience with me, and for all of the small ways she makes my life better every day. C and I have a dinner and a movie planned for tonight which will be lovely. Additionally, I will be enjoying my free mobility for the last time in a few weeks. Stretching, taking stairs two at a time and some dancing to the new JT album. Thanks for reading!