your life is your life

So it occurred to me that dialysis is actually keeping me alive, that without it I would be dead – like, way dead. And then it occurred to me that I’ve been complaining about this life saving process that really isn’t all that inconvenient. I mean, I sit in a chair and watch shows, mostly. Sure the needle sticks aren’t the greatest, it takes a lot of time, and sometimes I leave feeling a little drained (haha), but really, given the alternative, I’ll take dialysis every (other) day. (Still, a transplant would be just awesome, so I’ll take this (and every) opportunity to encourage you to call Susanna and try your luck on donation! 612-863-8886!)

Last week when Julie broke the latest in a surprisingly long string of bad news, I began, once again, to calibrate my future to the reality of dialysis. I started to think about teaching MITY on dialysis, and taking our family vacation on dialysis. At first this was hard – and in some ways it will remain hard. But after a few days I began to accommodate it. I taught MITY on dialysis last year, the same for our vacation. And this summer PJ and family will be in town! And I realized that I am more excited about that than I am disappointed about remaining on dialysis.

I realized that my life, my beautiful life, continues while I am waiting for a transplant. Days and weeks pass, milestones pass. Part of me has been on hold while I wait, anticipating an easier course after the transplant. First, this is in no way guaranteed, a transplant is not a cure, not a panacea. But more importantly, my life continues to happen while I wait, now even more so.

After I heard that Jackie was no longer a match, I decided to start yoga, something I’ve wanted to do for years. Actually, I decided to order yoga pants. The thing between me and yoga, for 6 or 7 years, YEARS, was not having the right pants. As it has in the past, the health crisis broke through a barrier and this morning I stayed after beginner’s yoga for the advanced class. Rocked it. Next week C and I will spend a few days at the family cabin on Lake Hubert, and I will dialyze in Brainerd. I’ve resisted traveling because of the inconvenience of scheduling dialysis at another clinic, but mostly because I’ve wanted to travel and live unencumbered by dialysis. Now, with dialysis a likely part of my life for months to come, I’m working to embrace it as the life saving measure it is, and live my life. This is my life. This is MY life. It’s lovely, astounding, and I want to LIVE it. Like Bukowski says

your life is your life

don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.

be on the watch.

there are ways out. there is light somewhere

it may not be much light but

it beats the darkness.

be on the watch.

the gods will offer you chances

know them

take them

you can’t be death but

you can beat death in life, sometimes

and the more often you learn to do it,

the more light there will be.

your life is your life.

know it while you have it.

you are marvelous

the gods wait to delight

in you

Thanks for reading.