I Finally Felt The Thing Everyone Says And It Didn’t Feel Good

I should start with this – never, that I can remember, have I been bitter, resentful or angry about any of the health crises that I have experienced (I wrote ‘that have happened to me, but that didn’t feel right). I have gone so far as to say that I would rather this or that thing not have happened, kind of in the same way I might say that I’d rather it not be raining. My kidney failure and subsequent adventures have not felt more or less than the trials that everyone experiences at some point in their lives. I believe that we are all tested and prodded by life in uncomfortable and unpredictable ways.

I’m not claiming any kind of hero status (see previous post). There are moments for me that are more difficult than others, and times when I recognize that the specific moments of my life are fairly unique to me, and that I am afforded a certain deference for my body. That being said, I have yet to meet someone with whom I would trade maladies.

In my life I have heard from people, almost from day one of the kidney times, that I’m too young for this to happen to me. That is it unfair that I have to face this, that I don’t deserve this. I understand that saying ‘you’re too young’ is a form of sympathy. It can be a way of people saying I’m sorry that this happened to you. At the same time it feels as though these expressions are appealing to a greater order in the world. In the movie ‘50/50’ (which is fabulous), Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character is diagnosed with cancer. He is shocked, claiming his healthy lifestyle - ‘I don’t smoke, I exercise, I eat well … I recycle …’  It was a pointed joke - as though we can somehow inoculate ourselves against these random and painful crises.  

As you know the past few months have been a difficult time for me, health-wise. This week I’m trying to schedule the surgery to have one of my native kidneys taken out. I’m trying to miss the least amount of class time at school, and to have it as soon as possible. The mass in the kidney is likely renal cell carcinoma, which is a particularly nasty cancer. It is well contained, but still – it feels like I have a time bomb in my back. One doctor is saying to wait three months because of the blood clot, and that the clot is already resolved. I’m trying to have it a bit sooner – two or two and a half months. Scheduling this is a headache. [UPDATE: As of yesterday the surgery is scheduled for January 22^nd! Which is good – get it over with.]

Yesterday, carrying these decisions and stress, for the very first time, I entertained the thought that maybe I AM too young for all this to have happened. That I deserve a life without the constant overhanging stress of when I will be in the hospital next, or when I will need to deal with another unforeseen side-effect. Why did this have to happen to me?

These thoughts were immediately followed by the humility they call for – what do I ‘deserve’ from life? What does life owe me? Is there a contract somewhere that promises a smooth ride, with a few bumps when we are seasoned enough to weather them? This is clearly not how life works. Worse – as I thought about the phantom life I could be leading, my feelings were not hopeful or energized. I felt bitter and angry, resentful of the people around me who supposedly lead ‘easier’ lives. That’s not me. I am not those feelings.

I am not owed anything from the world – there’s no contract, no guarantee.  Tragedy does not live elsewhere, where it is distant and tolerated and accepted as a balance for the cosmos. I am not too young for the unique experiences of my life.

I don’t believe that any of us are protected by anything at all – that we are all an accident or circumstance away from crisis, and this is invigorating for me (perhaps because I have been through it). This makes the highs a bit higher and the lows a bit lower. It helps me to pause and enjoy the world around me. I don’t want to live in a world with bumpers. The fragility of life makes it precious. 

Thanks for reading!

Hospital adventure #5, 2013

Hey folks –

I was compelled to post that earlier essay I wrote because I was, at the time, in the hospital. Again. C figured that it was the 5^th time I was at Abbott this year. This was one of my longest stays – exactly one week. I went in Sunday afternoon November 10^th and got out Sunday afternoon the 17^th. A clear week. This was also a stay where I got quite a bit sicker before I started to feel better. Plus, there were a few surprises along the way.

What further complicated being away from school was that my high school lost two students the weekend before I went in – car crash and suicide. It was hard to be away during that time, though I would guess it was even harder to be there.

I mean here to relate what the week was like – what happened and what it was like to experience it. I generally experience narratives like a road trip – chronological, cause effect, linear. You can follow it on a map. Hospital stays feel more like an extended drunken adventure. A chaotic, confused journey. Hospitals are places out of time. True, I generally slept from about 1230 AM to about 6, when it is nighttime. But it is not sleep anymore than lying in bed all day is being awake. Time is punctuated every 3 or 4 hours by having my vitals checked (blood pressure cuff on my arm, thermometer in my mouth, blood oxygen level meter on my finger), having blood drawn, and the error alarms on my IV machine. After a few days of this there is no time.

Tell it right now, nice and easy. Take your time.

There was an instance when I was counting minutes during this stay. I had a pneumonia that was not responding to antibiotics and they wanted to figure out what bug was in my lungs making me sick. C and I are trying to figure out on what day this happened, this procedure where they sedated me and put a scope in my lungs to take some samples. Bronchoscopy. Wednesday.

So because I was to be somewhat put under, I couldn’t eat or drink leading up to this procedure, which was at 11AM. For whatever reason, the ‘nothing by mouth’ started the night before at midnight, when I was extremely thirsty. There have been a few moments of this in my hospital life, where I was not allowed to have anything to drink and was thirsty beyond imagination. My tongue, mouth, throat were dry. I couldn’t swallow. This went on for two hours. I couldn’t stay still. All I could think about was how good cold water would feel in my mouth. An ice cube. Have you been thirsty like this? Every breath made it worse, breathing in a desert. I rinsed my mouth in the sink a few times, which helped for a moment or two. Eventually I gave in and drank the best three glasses of water in my life. It was 2AM – nine hours before this procedure, and it was totally fine.

That was Wednesday – the bronchoscopy. Wednesday afternoon (or possibly Thursday) they did a CT scan on my lungs to see what there was to see. Around this same time, I noticed that my right arm had swelled up around the elbow, just fluid, but I had a fun wobbly arm for the afternoon. They did an ultrasound on my arm and shoulder to look for clots and found one – superior vena cava I think. The ultrasound rooms are nice – dark, warm – the gel used for the scanner is warm. It’s quiet aside from the sounds of the veins they are ‘seeing’ on the ultrasound, which are pulsing and womb-like – wom wom wom wom. There are pretty reds and blues on the screen. On me, I was missing a vein – right side near my collarbone. Same vein where the tech pulled the dialysis catheter in the last entry. Writing this is beginning to feel interminable. It was a week of things like this. I was on oxygen for two days. My creatinine went up to 3.8  (from 2.4) then back down to 2.1. They found a tumor (during the CT scan of my lung) in one of my native kidneys and will remove the kidney sometime this spring. I watched The Avengers, Captain America, Thor, Skyfall, Austin Power and three seasons of The Office (thank you Netflix), but there were two days when I didn’t watch or do anything. At one point when someone asked me why my kidneys failed originally I told them I masturbated too much. That was a highlight.

It is so hard to capture all of this. This reads nothing like all of it. Would pictures help? I guess I could say that at times it felt interminable, like being thirsty, and some days drifted past me without my knowing. Just a different way to be a person I guess. I had to adjust my notion of who I am a few times - being on oxygen was new and scary to me, I didn't friends of family to see me with the tubes on my face, and taking home the blood clot and future surgery were big new things. I am now a person who has 'been on oxygen' and 'has a blood clot', along with everything else. 

Back home now, for a few weeks, the specific memories of my stay are already beginning to slide together. My body is recovering slowly from the pneumonia and whatever went with it, but I am improving by the day. I have passed the point where I don’t remember what not feeling sick was like. I passed it today, but I passed it. That was a great feeling. Thanks for reading!